Scotland’s Referendum: Aftermath

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Phew!

Scotland has decided to remain a part of the United Kingdom, and rather convincingly too: 28 councils ‘no’ vs. 4 councils ‘yes’, 55% ‘no’. Thank <<insert mythical being here>>! But, as the BBC keeps telling us over and over until the words have now lost all meaning, “a vote for ‘no’ is also a vote for change”. So here’s some serious pros and cons as I see it now that Scotland has voted ‘no’ to independence.

PROS

  • The Union has been saved — for now!
  • A record voter turnout of 86% has permanently re-invigorated the democratic process forever until tomorrow when it will be business as usual.
  • I won’t need an EU passport that they won’t check anyway because it’s the EU should I travel to Scotland in my life which I never have done so far even though I am thirty years old because it’s so cold and dreary up there and it’s cheaper to go to and stay in Malta or Spain from London than to Scotland which is ridiculous really but there you go…

CONS

  • The new Union Flag that I invented is no longer needed. I have been deprived of my latest and GREATEST accomplishment.
  • We’ll probably end up having this whole referendum again within the next 15 years (think Quebec 1980 and 1995).
  • Spain will carry on pretending to be democratic whilst actually overriding the will of the people at all times, and feel justified in doing so. To the point, Spain will now have greater cause to deny the Catalan people an independence referendum of their own. The cause of national democrats, like myself, has been dealt a blow.
  • The UK is stuck with Alex Salmond forever, it would seem.
  • We’ll probably end up re-awakening the Northern Irish question, possibily ending in a vote to see if Northern Ireland should stay as part of the UK or become a part of the Republic of Ireland (perhaps in some kind of concessionary Hong Kong-China style relationship). THEREBY resparking violence in Ireland.
  • English nationalism and resentment will likely bubble up again, due to the bending-over-backwards to appease the Scots, with more demands for more powers for England… probably resulting in England leaving the United Kingdom, or else England itself breaking up as every city and town decides it wants more and more powers.
  • The UK will likely now not leave the EU or get a better settlement for the UK (due to the influence of Labour and Scotland).

…wait. Why was I pro-union, again? Oh, shit!! Can we do this vote again please, and this time really irk the Scots so they vote ‘yes’…

© 2014 Bryan A. J. Parry

Scotland’s Referendum

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Proposed Union Jack if Scotland votes ‘no’ to independence

I usually now post blog updates to The Doggerelizer every Monday, four times a month. However, I have to break with that today and write an emergency blog entry.

Tomorrow is the most important vote in this country for a very long time indeed, the result of which will be felt forever — no joke. Tomorrow, Scotland goes to the polls to answer this simple question: Should Scotland be an independent country? If a simple majority votes ‘yes’ (that is, 50.01%), then Scottish independence is guaranteed.

I am on the verge of tears (seriously). I am a patriotic Englishman. But I’m also a patriotic Briton. And the idea of the country I love so much, the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, — the country that defeated Hitler, that invented capitalism, that invented almost all sports worth playing, the country of the Beatles, and so very much more besides — breaking up absolutely breaks my heart. I am a unionist through and through. Why? It doesn’t really matter, I just am; why do you like salsa music, the colour red, or football? You just do. The union with Scotland resonates deep in my soul.

But I’m also 100% behind this referendum. I am fundamentally committed to national democracy (see my campaign to force the British government to recognise Somaliland, a campaign which would, ironically, more likely find favour within an independent Scotland). Therefore, any nation which demands independence must be allowed and helped to achieve this, thereby becoming part of the brotherhood of nations. Simply put: if Scotland vote ‘yes’, my heart will be broken, but I will accept it gladly as a national democrat.

I won’t rehash the arguments for us being better together. There are many, and I think both Scotland and the remainder of the UK will indeed be better together. But of course neither will sink into oblivion if Scotland secedes from the Union. Life will go on. But both nations, I feel, will be diminished — albeit, the leftover stump of the UK rather more profoundly.

I won’t go through the arguments, as it will be longsome and you’ve probably already made up your minds. Simply put, though: together, Scotland and England (and, yeah alright, Wales and Northern Ireland, too) have achieved some of the greatest feats mankind has ever seen. The lists of great thinkers, artists, and deeds of these two nations, united in one and joined at the hip as the UK, is almost endless. Scotland is a great nation and has always punched well above its weight. Just look at their amazing thinkers, like Adam Smith, their incredible sportsmen, like Andy Murray, and their wonderful writers, from Burns to Iain Banks. Scotland has nothing to fear from independence. But Scotland and the rest of the UK are so much better, have achieved so much more, and can continue to achieve so much more — together.

I didn’t worry about the referendum’s outcome until the ‘yes’ vote snuck ahead in the polls. Then I felt physically sick. Blasé nonchalance turned into gut-turning nausea and fear.

Please, Scotland, vote to stay with us. This is a beautiful ‘marriage of two mindes’ that should not end and to which we should ‘not admit impediments’. We haven’t even fallen out! It’s like a long-term couple, perfectly at ease and comfortable with each other — but perhaps slightly bored of the sex — who decide to have an open relationship. Except that if that doesn’t work out, the hubbie and wife can just agree to not do it again. Yet if Scotland votes to secede, it really is all over for good.

Two more thoughts before I leave for a restless night of unsleep.

1. Why have the 800,000 or so Scots who live in England been denied the right to vote? This vote will change the fate of their nation (be that Scotland or the UK) forever. This is a despicable travesty, and only Alex Salmond is responsible — well, Cameron is too for agreeing it. Neither clearly care about national democracy and the views of the Scottish (as opposed to “Scotlandish”, if you will). I wonder why Salmond set the vote up this way. Nothing to do with English-dwelling Scots being more likely to vote against independence, is it…?

2. Just heard that, in a desperate last bid to save the Union, all three main British parties (Conservative, Labour, Liberal Democrat) have voted to change the British flag if Scotland votes ‘no’, so that the saltire is place in the foreground and not the background…

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[EDIT: Addendum]

Just a thought. You know what else makes Great Britain “Great”? The vote in Scotland has been condoned by Westminster. So if Scotland votes ‘yes’, it will become independent. This country uniquely understands democracy. Contrast this with Spain, where Catalonia is denied such a vote; and if it goes ahead with such a vote, it will be deemed ‘illegal’. See here: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-29234242

flag image from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Union_Jack#mediaviewer/File:BeaumontScottishUnionFlag.png

© 2014 Bryan A. J. Parry

Bryan Parry: Genius

The United Kingdom's New Flag?

The United Kingdom’s New Flag?

Scotland is going to vote on Thursday 18th of September. The outcome will decide if Scotland stays as part of the United Kingdom or becomes an independent nation. If the people in Scotland vote to leave the UK, that means that the left-over part of the United Kingdom might have to change its flag; the Union Jack gets it’s blue, after all, from the Scottish flag.

I came up with some alternative, Scotlandless UK flag designs. I believe this was 2012, but it may have been before. Either way, I posted my ideas up in July 2013, and then again more recently. Check out my posts here and here.

The Metro newspaper had an article (12th Sept. 2014) with what the Flag Institute believes should be the flag of a Scotlandless UK (below). Look familiar? As you can see, I think that qualifies me as a genius: yes, Bryan A. J. Parry invented the British Flag (kind of). I expect the cheques in the post any day now…

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© 2014 Bryan A. J. Parry

Somaliland Petition

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OFFICIAL PETITION TO FORCE THE UNITED KINGDOM GOVERNMENT TO OFFICIALLY RECOGNISE SOMALILAND AS AN INDEPENDENT AND SOVEREIGN NATION

http://epetitions.direct.gov.uk/petitions/61018

Petition closes on 17/02/2015 at 12:31.

DECLARATION

We, the people of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, assert the right of self-determination for all nations. We believe that any nation has the right to strive for independence and democracy and become a full-fledged member of the brotherhood of nations. And that brings us to the issue at hand.

“Somalia”. What images does this word bring before your mind’s eye? I imagine “pirates” and “poor people” are amongst the first. And this is a great shame, for the Somali people have a rich culture worth so much more than our collective pity or, indeed, fear. And one example is that set by Somaliland. Somaliland, the former British colony which united with the rest of (Italian) Somalia in 1960, but which declared its independence in 1991. After almost twenty-five years of struggle, Somalilanders are busy building a vibrant democracy and free civil society. However, the fragile nature of the region means this project is not secure. And it is jeopardised terribly by the international community which stubbornly refuses to formally recognise Somaliland as an independent nation.

The United Kingdom, as the former colonial power of Somaliland (but note, not of the rest of Somalia), has a particular duty to foster democracy in the region and engender stability for Somaliland.

Therefore, we the British people demand that our Government of this United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland formally recognise Somaliland as an independent nation state.

PLEASE SIGN THE PETITION

  • If you are a British citizen, please sign the petition:

http://epetitions.direct.gov.uk/petitions/61018

  • Please pass this petition on to all British citizens you know.

If we get 100,000 people to sign, the British government will be obliged to dignify this campaign with a response.

  • This isn’t just about Somaliland; it is about all nations which are currently denied the right to exist. I’m talking Kurdistan, Palestine, Catalonia, and all the  many other nations of the world too numerous to list here.

You can help to make a difference by forcing our government to confront its responsibilities to truly help build and effect democracy around the world.

ABOUT THE PETITION STARTER

This petition was started by and is the initiative of Bryan A. J. Parry. He is a political activist (amongst other things) and passionately believes in liberal democracy and “good” nationalism, i.e., all nations being able to choose their own fates for themselves (so long as they do not, in so doing, deny other nations of same right). He believes in a worldwide brotherhood of nation states respecting and helping one another to build a brighter, democratic future for all of them, where the will of the people of each nation is heard, recognised, and put into effect.

For more information, please contact the petition starter, Bryan Parry, by using the contact form on the following page: http://doggerelizer.wordpress.com/contact/

© 2014 Bryan A. J. Parry

FILM PREVIEW: The Office

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I’m a huge Ricky Gervais fan. So I’m always excited when there’s news of an upcoming Gervais project. But the news of Gervais’ latest project has filled me with excitement, and diarrhoea. First, I’ll take you back to 2003:

That’s the end of The Office … [my] sort of legacy … So many people in the past have let me down, I think so many of my favourite comedy sitcoms/writers and actors have gone just one step too far. The quality goes down, you suddenly think, I don’t want to see this again, its repetitive or just poor! They have taken the money and run and I don’t want to do that. I don’t want people to say or think that of me.

Gervais talking there. Therefore, the news that Gervais is making a film of The Office, to be called Life on the Road, seems to be proof that he’s getting desperate and really has jumped the shark (Life’s Too Short, anyone?). This movie actually scares me. Is he going to ruin the perfect legacy of The Office? Has he “taken the money and run”?

Gervais is, all due disrespect to the haters, a genius. Fact. The Office alone proves it. Magnificently written and brilliantly acted, Gervais’ performance as David Brent was flawless: every word, every look, every facial twitch was spot on and every bit the equal of, say, Cleese in Fawlty Towers.

But he’s also lazy. And his recent projects have all been characterised by laziness. Life’s Too Short is a cheap Extras rip off, with Warren Davis doing a pathetic and embarrassing impersonation of David Brent; I can hardly bare to watch it, even alone, eyes closed, drunk. And I love Gervais’ collaborations with Karl Pilkington – The Ricky Gervais Show and An Idiot Abroad – but they are, nonetheless, quite lazy too. The formula: Gervais and Steve Merchant chat and take the piss out of Pilkington. Even Gervais’ stand up, funny as it is, has a certain sloppiness to it: think the “Chris Tarrant” anecdote which was the supposed grand finale to Fame. And let’s not mention his lame attempts at being an interviewer: he was too egotistical to act as foil to his guests. Which brings me on to the next point.

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“…the incredible miscasting of Gervais … as a mentally-handicapped man, single-handedly ruined the show”

The one project since Extras which wasn’t lazy, Derek, was self-indulgent. Set within an old people’s home, that show could’ve gone down as one of the most socially relevant, beautiful, brilliant, and important sitcoms ever. But the incredible miscasting of Gervais in the title role, as a mentally handicapped man, single-handedly ruined the show. Gervais just isn’t a good actor. That’s not a criticism, but trite fact. He’s a brilliant writer, stand up, and comic mind. But he hasn’t got the acting chops to portray such a character. And who cast Gervais in that role? Answer: Gervais. What self-indulgence! And self-indulgence and egotism have often attached themselves to Gervais’ projects. If only Ricky Gervais could have gotten over himself.

Therefore, whilst Gervais really is one of my idols (I rank him up there with Sellars, Cleese, Ben Elton, Ianucci, and Linehan and Matthews), I am worried. He can be lazy, he can be self-indulgent. The Office ended so beautifully, so perfectly, the character arcs were so neatly concluded, that an Office movie seems to be asking to fail. It’s like when Only Fools and Horses carried on after Delboy became a millionaire: the character’s journey was already satisfyingly and naturally finished. Continuing it was a bad idea from the get go: and, yes, post-millionaire Only Fools turned out to be an embarrassing, legacy-ruining, let-down.

So Ricky Gervais really is dicing with artistic danger here. There’s no need to bring back The Office. But he is. So he needs to drop his egotism, stop being lazy, and hopefully, he won’t ruin his own legacy. And touch wood, Steve Merchant, who seems to be a marginally moderating influence on Gervais, will be in tow. The only way to do this film is to make something flawless. “Never go back”, they say, “you’re bound to fail”. It’s a law of the universe. I hope The Office movie is the exception to that proven rule.

Watch this space.

 

References

featured image from http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2011/06/10/article-0-0064B02900000258-752_468x312.jpg

Derek image from http://i.telegraph.co.uk/multimedia/archive/02191/derek_2191238b.jpg

Gervais quote from http://www.dvdactive.com/editorial/interviews/ricky-gervais.html?post_id=172921&action=report

http://www.theguardian.com/media/2014/aug/05/ricky-gervais-david-brent-movie-bbc-the-office

http://www.theguardian.com/film/2014/aug/08/ricky-gervais-swaps-office-pop-stardom-david-brent-film

© 2014 Bryan A. J. Parry

After Reading Ecclesiastes 3:19-21 Again (Poem)

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Introduction

This is probably the poem of mine that I am most proud of. It’s riddled with flaws, yes, but I think it has a little merit, too. Either way, I thought I’d like to share it here. I already posted it on my YouTube channel.

It’s my reading of Ecclesiastes 3:19-21 (in the Bible, if you don’t know what I’m going on about) in the light of my Epicurean mindset (as in Epicurus). Like all poems, this one is abandoned not “finished” (that is, I tweaked and tweaked and tweaked until I just stopped and never went back to it).

After Reading Ecclesiastes 3:19-21 Again
by Bryan A. J. Parry

The reason Nature seems to test mankind
With cold and stone-hard stares, and unmoved mind,
Is just to make him see what’s plainly true:
He’s like an animal, nay, is one too.
You don’t believe me? Why then, let’s just think.
As man is born, so is the beast, then blink
Your eyes, and both have died, caught in some snare,
Or else disfigured far beyond repair
So soon thereafter breathe the final breath,
Dispatched to earth, the source of life and death.
So man has no advantage o’er his brother,
As wretched death claims one, he claims the other.

Did I say “wretched”? Actually, it’s worse.
The brilliant mind of man can seem a curse;
Illumination, yes, but searing heat,
So awestruck man performs a wondrous feat:
He stoops, then squints, and fumbles in the gloom,
So hastening through his misery his doom.
But animals, whose brains are dim, live thus:
They flit, they drink, they eat: no sordid fuss.
A man of reason can’t conceal his mirth:
Poor man is heaven-bound, yet beast to earth!?
Kind Nature’s given beasts to simple pleasures.

If only man would use his mind: it measures
Out every thing that he could ever need.
They are: to flit, to drink, to love, to feed.
This recognition of kind Nature’s goal
Produces gladness, elevates man’s soul;
The joy and pleasure transcend mortal frame:
This soaring spirit ills can never tame.

 

featured image edited from http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-jMyo8OMjLcI/TbbH-mcqRhI/AAAAAAAAA2U/lRaYT6u5_9k/s1600/kjv1611.jpg

© Bryan A. J. Parry

RIP Robin Williams: A Personal Tribute by Bryan Parry

[This post contains some language that may be deemed offensive]

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Hairy, bipedal, primate, Robin Williams, passed away on Monday. The ex-actor (dead, remember) and 1998 Academy Award Winner died from an apparent suicide. No longer will we hear him scream his catchphrase Goood Morning Vietnaaaaam! – because his contractual obligations on that film expired more than 25 years ago, and he is dead (See previous parenthetical comment).

My wife’s first reaction: “Nooo! Why not Brad Pitt instead…?” [1] Why not Brad Pitt, indeed: the question on everyone’s lips. My wife loved Robin Williams so much: he was her idol, second only to Patrick Swayze… “All my favourite people are dying… since I met you”, my wife eyed me suspiciously at breakfast as we heard news of Williams’s demise. Swayze’s death was long-coming and, although sad, completely expected. But when Swayze finally gave up the ghost (see what I did there? Also, note: the only thing funnier than a pun is a pun explained or pointed out), my wife didn’t let me get any sex for six months. Perhaps mentally picturing a dead man every time she let me have my wicked way was just a turn off for her. I’m terrified the same may happen now that Robin Williams is gone: what were you thinking, Robin!?

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Robin Williams’s films helped define my childhood

But quite apart the imminent loss of nookie, I am genuinely in shock and very upset. How can you feel this for someone you’ve never met, never said “hi” to – this numbness and the sense that nothing is real or meaningful anymore? Robin Williams was 63, and I, a mere 29 (chronologically speaking, although psychically my Wii Fit says I am 43), I have never known a world without him. Sure, I’ve never known a world without A. Robinson from Crosby-on-Eden in Carlisle, either [2], but the difference is I grew up with Robin Williams. His films bled into my mind and helped form my outlook on life – for better or worse(!) He was like a kindly uncle you’d see once a year, and who’d never fail to bring a smile to your face. Indeed, me being a member of Generation Y, Robin Williams and his films practically raised me as my parents couldn’t frankly be bothered to adequately balance work commitments with nurturing their sole sprog.

Bicentennial_man_film_posterThe eerie thing is this: the week leading up to his death, me and the wife randomly decided to binge on Robin Williams. We had a Robin Williams-athon: two and sometimes three of his films, every day, for a week. It’s like we almost knew what was coming as we drunk him in… it’s certainly difficult to deny that this constitutes overwhelming evidence for ESP. During this Robin Williams-athon, we rediscovered some films we’d forgotten about, and I broke down in tears at the conclusion of Bicentennial Man, having one of my periodic existential crises. I consoled myself with the knowledge that the film was based on a story by brainy sci-fi heavyweight Isaac Asimov, and that therefore it was intellectually valid to cry at a Robin Williams flick: truth be told, you made me cry so many times, you hairy, stout, hook-nosed, wonderful bastard!

My idols growing up – not just “guys I liked a bit” –, and I swear I’m not kidding: Rik Mayall (died two months ago), Robin Williams, Michael Jackson, and Rolf – seriously. Unlike the last two, however, Robin Williams didn’t enjoy (allegedly) touching up prepubescent cock and/or vag. He was by all accounts a giving and kindly man. Yet he had his dark side that we’re all hearing so much about now. But I don’t want to dwell on that: Robin Williams brought me so much joy, and that’s how I’ll remember him.

(Oh, I also idolised John Cleese, but nothing much has happened to him (the odd divorce aside), so mentioning him would spoil the dramatic point I was making).

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Mork and Mindy: not a funny show

I remember as a young child in the late eighties watching re-runs of Mork and Mindy, the show that launched Williams’ career. Not because it was a good show – it wasn’t: we watched it because there were only four channels in those days and it was raining outside. But I thank God he did make that programme or else the vastly superior semi-remake Third Rock From The Sun would likely never have been made at all (I imagine). And without Mork and Mindy, Robin Williams probably never would have broken through in quite the way he did, and for that reason too, I’m thankful for Mork and Mindy.

Thank you, Mr. Williams.

  • Thank you for inventing Flying Rubber (Flubber): I had a great day out that one time my aunty-to-be took me to the cinema in order to transparently ingratiate herself to me such that I would consent to her marrying my uncle.
  • Thank you for being the foil in The Birdcage and giving us a delicate, beautiful performance.
  • Thank you for Jumanji: this film inspired many a daydream, may have helped instill a love of boardgames which lasts to the present day, and I also won a t-shirt from a Jumanji themed Twister ice cream competition, a win I enjoyed as I was suffering personally at the time.
  • Thank you for the tender loving father and for the cross-dressing slapstick in Mrs Doubtfire.
  • Thank you for The Fisher King: your depiction of Parry was moving and the blurring of reality and fantasy which you portrayed so well meant a lot to a teen obsessed with the nature of reality and concerned by his own failing mind.
  • Thank you for Good Will Hunting: it was the first film of yours I saw which impressed upon me your incredible talent.
  • I want to say thank you for Hook, but it never quite did it for me. Think it’s because I’ve always kind of been suspicious of Peter Pan (and had long since conflated Peter Pan and Michael Jackson sleepovers in my mind). But, yeah, okay, for my wife’s sake: Thank you for Hook!
  • Thank you for Big… no, wait, that was Tom Hanks. Never mind.
  • Indeed, Thank you for every single film you ever made. That includes the odd dud, because even they meant I got to spend more time with you.

So, thank you, Robin Williams (I know he can’t hear me because of the aforementioned being dead and all, but these sorts of things are always addressed to the person regardless of how little sense that makes), thank you so much for all the laughs, all the tears. You touched my heart so many times. No, I’m not one of those people who became a teacher because of the Dead Poet’s Society [3], but you made a difference to my life, you made my existence richer and more joyful. I miss you already.

RIP Robin Williams

RIP Robin Williams: 1951 – 2014

 

References & Notes

[1] Funny ‘cos it’s true.

[2] http://www.thephonebook.bt.com/publisha.content/en/search/residential/search.publisha?Surname=Robinson&Initial=&Street=&Location=WARWICK+BRIDGE++%7b+Carlisle+-+CUMBRIA%7d&OriginalLocation=Warwick&Range=xloc

[3] I am actually a teacher, but I became one because I love dreary form-filling and taking abuse from colleagues and students.

featured image from http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2014/01/08/article-2535891-1A80FA3A00000578-643_634x583.jpg

“Robin Williams’s films helped define my childhood” image from http://www.krock1057.ca/files/Robin-Williams-movie-poster-9pk-set-1.jpg

Bicentennial Man image from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bicentennial_Man_(film)#mediaviewer/File:Bicentennial_man_film_poster.jpg

Mork and Mindy image from http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/e/e7/MorkMindy.jpg

Robin Williams with a cap image from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Robin_williams

© 2014 Bryan Ashley James Parry

Random Images 1

Every so often, I come across random images on the web. Funny or quirky stuff, the like of which I’ve never seen before. Fifteen years or so worth of randomness. Looking back through my old PC folders, I’ve just realised: that’s a hell of a lot of images!

So once a month, in order to (1) tickle / delight / disturb you, (2) give you an insight into my psyche, (3) post without actually bothering to do any work, I will post up a random image. No words, no fuss, just pure randomness.

I’ll try to credit the source for each of these wonderful images, but seeing as I’ve saved them over a period of a decade and a half… I don’t exactly have the sources written down. But please let me know the source if you know the source so I can credit the source.

Here’s the first one for you. Every person I’ve ever showed it to has gone either, “Yeah… I don’t get it”, or, “Yeah… that’s not funny”. Well. You’re wrong.

Art_Expert

text © 2014 Bryan A. J. Parry

In the Year of Our Lord

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There are so many reasons to get the hump these days.

  • A seemingly never-ending recession, and economists who seem to be more interested in whether it is (1) a double-dip, (2) a “trip-dip”, or (3) merely an illusion, the result of a stray decimal point.
  • Human rights atrocities which seem destined to send us into another long and costly foreign war with no defined end goal or strategy.
  • Justin Bieber.

But no issue inflames passions to the same extent as the “common era” system of dating historical events

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Wait, what!??!

What, sorry? That doesn’t inflame you? You don’t know what I’m talking about?

I am “of course” talking about the habit, now nigh-on universal amongst academics, of giving dates in the form of 2014CE, where CE means “Common Era”. This is opposed to the “usual” way of writing “AD” (which doesn’t mean “after death”, as some suppose: it means anno domini “in the year of our lord”).

Basically, academics have realised (because they’re so deep and insightful) that the system of dating things “BC” (before Christ) or “AD” comes from Christianity… and is therefore not really appropriate for objective, neutral, and politically correct purposes. Unfortunately, the genius solution (irony alert) they have adopted, of using CE and BCE (before Common Era), is… still derived from Christianity.

How’s that?

Because 2014 CE is… 2014 AD. And 1066 CE is… 1066 AD. And 54 BCE is… 54 BC. So, despite the cosmetic changes, they are still using the same dating system! It’s like calling a “shovel” a “spade”; it’s still the same thing. And yet these egg-heads parade their intelligence and flaunt their superiority by using their hokey (B)CE system. I’ve even been reprimanded for writing BC/AD instead of (B)CE in a university essay!

The funny thing is this: I’m an atheist. That’s right: I don’t even believe God exists(!) So the chances of me being a Christian, or pushing a Christian agenda, are almost nil. And yet I say: let’s keep the BC/AD system! Why change it? I mean, it works well, we know what we’re talking about when we say “2014 AD”, and who cares whether the acronyms really mean “before Christ” and “in the year of our Lord”? Are we renaming the days of the week because they are named after heathen Gods? [1] Wednesday: Woden’s Day; Thursday: Thor’s Day; and Monday: Moon day — and the moon’s not even a god, it’s just a big lump of rock!

We’re not French here, for heaven’s sake! (note: unless you are French, that is) So why should be go around binning stuff just because it doesn’t fit in with our ideology? Look: BC/AD works, everyone gets it, so why change it?

But you know what, if you are going to change it, let’s do it properly. Instead of this stupid (B)CE system — which is just the BC/AD system with a facelift — let’s make up a new system which is truly global, neutral, and objective.

Excited-Businessman
God, this is exciting! I know!

We need to pick an event that has global significance, not just significance “local” to any particular group — such as the birth of Jesus.

One of the most significant events in recorded human history, something that changed it all, something that literally made recorded human history possible: the invention of writing. Writing allowed poetry to be passed on over thousands of years, business accounts to be “cooked”, lewd graffiti to be scrawled in public toilets, and thousands of Hitler ‘taches to be drawn on countless page three girls up and down this green and pleasant land since c. 1965 AD/CE.

This glorious moment, the invention of writing, happened in around 3100 BC(E). So there we go: blammo! Welcome to the year 5114 WrE (Writing Era), A.K.A. 2014 CE/AD. Or anno, err, scriptorius… whatever.

Having said that, let’s not be wankers. Let’s just keep BC/AD, you stupid brilliantly stupidly intelligent egg-headed moronic genius dimwit boffs!

But having said that, if you do insist on changing, change to my system, for it is better, yea, and do yield unto me a monthly tithe for use of my system. Yea.

© 2014 Bryan A. J. Parry

References and Notes

[1] Oh God, I might just have planted the seed in their twisted, egg-headed heads! Oh wait, no I haven’t; nobody reads my blog. Huzzah!

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-22277955

http://blogs.telegraph.co.uk/finance/jeremywarner/100024327/nevermind-the-triple-dip-recession-the-double-dip-may-have-been-an-illusion-too/

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/australiaandthepacific/australia/8737038/To-BC-or-BCE.html

featured image from http://comiclists.files.wordpress.com/2010/10/egghead-marvel.jpg

cat image edited from original at http://media-cache-ec0.pinimg.com/736x/06/06/c1/0606c15a9eda9e832f9ad6ba38d35f5b.jpg

excited man image from http://spiritualhealingsource.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/Excited-Businessman.jpg

Top 5 Forgetful Sports Stars, Yeehaw! News (Spoof Article)

TOP 5 FORGETFUL SPORTS STARS, YEEHAW NEWS (SPOOF ARTICLE)

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5. In 1993 Michael Jordan shocked the world by turning away from basketball and turning out for baseball’s the Chicago White Sox. He caused even more of a stir when, on returning to basketball 18 months later, he came fully kitted out in pitcher’s glove, cap, and bat. Despite the initial shock, Jordan put in an unorthodox performance and scored three home runs as the Chicago Bulls beat the Orlando Magic 74-21 in the NBA finals.

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4. Back in 2007, Javier Mascherano forget he’d signed a five year, twenty million pound deal with FC Barcelona and shocked colleagues by turning up to train at Anfield on the first day of pre-season.

“We didn’t want to break it to him”, said club legend Steven Gerrard, “his wife had just left him for John Terry at the time and I think his Argie mind wasn’t all there”

Mascherano played out a full 17 games for Liverpool before FC Barcelona decided to break the news to him and bring him kicking and screaming to the Camp Nou.

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3. Top thug Ashley Cole forgot he was married to Cheryl Cole and went home and shagged Cheryl’s bandmate, Kimberley Walsh. The case of mistaken identity only came to light on the couple’s wedding anniversary when Cheryl turned up on a Bahamas beach and demanded a divorce. Ashley Cole’s defence of, “I’m sorry darling, but all you white chicks look the same to me” didn’t go down well, but later a qualified sportologist confirmed that the champion marksman Cole was definitely not insane, or drunk. Ashley and Cheryl remarried a week later and, in a gey twist of fate, Walsh was the bridesmaid.

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2. Number two on our list, Rio Ferdinand, who, on the Saturday morning of the 14th of April, 2004, between 7.43 and 9.21am, forgot to act like a self-important, smug prick. All were stunned.

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1. Perhaps the greatest shock in sporting history, however, came when 1936 FA cup legend, Clifford Bastin, forgot he had died in 1991, and turned in a stellar performance for Arsenal against Manchester United in the 2005 FA Cup final, ultimately scoring twice and being awarded man of the match. When a news reporter questioned him post-match on this unlikely turn of events, he yelled “eek” and disappeared in a puff of ash never to be seen again.

 

© 2013-2014 Bryan A. J. Parry

Images from:
5 ibtimes.com
4 newsobserver.com
la-boca-de-la-cueva.blogspot.com
http://www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/legacy/chrischarles/rio595335.jpg
http://img1.ngoisao.vn/news/2011/12/6/44/henrybastinjpg1323142543.jpg

Article inspired by “Top 5 Forgetful Sports Stars”: http://uk.eurosport.yahoo.com/the-rundown/article/5807/